Photography was and is a form of therapy for me, a way I can mould a mood, a feeling, an event... allowing me to express it, so that those around, those who choose to see my images can be immersed and share in my reality. I wanted to say 'wish' to share but thats not how it works, I don't get a choice the same way I don't get to choose my mood.
I avoided mirrors as a child, a good catholic boy, so afraid to see into my eyes and into my soul. As a teen I looked at everything that caught my reflection, so sure and confident but never into my eyes...
BUT it was suggested by a friend, that maybe I should, maybe it was time to go full circle and to face myself. The thought of it terrified me and still terrifies me, I try so hard to be a goof ball, unthreatening, soft, brushed off as a flake.
Do I really want to see the stuff I am made of, to face that reality? What if I am like them? What if I am not the man I try to be? What if I let those closest to me down?
This is very much what my project is becoming. Many of the questions I am asking have no answers but it has taken me a lifetime to realise this, granted not a long life so far but long enough for Alexander the Great to conquer the known world, or for Christ to live his life and be dead, so surely I should know something by now?
Is this the right time or is this a can of worms that should be left alone? Quite simply I don't know, but this project is making me feel... that in its self is a good thing.
A self-portrait:
